Hummmm

I just watched "Say Anything" which I liked much better than I remeber, but I know why I wasn't too crazy about it in the first place. It would NEVER happen. They're just going to fly off to England and realize that it would never work, because they're going to totally different places in life.

It's funny how Andy and I are in the exact same place. We could both do amazing things with our lives, and both regret our fuck ups from high school. If Andy had really realized his potentional, and worked harder, he would have easily gotten straight A's and would be going to some place like MIT. And me? Fuck, I wish I had worked harder too, not straight A's, but atleast straight B's, and not failing classes. It makes me cry. And I wish I never went to Hallmark. I wish I had really applied to schools that would have gotten me somewhere. Of course we wouldn't have met each other. Would we trade it? Who knows. I want him to be getting all A's this coming semester. I'm not going to distract him.

FUCK!!!!!!!!! There's so much I want to say and I can't find the words to say it. It's on the tip of my tongue and I just want to cut it off. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Okay, start over. This is going to be a stupid people rant, I can feel it.

*just breath*

It's just ME!!! I'm feeling me right now. (that sounds bad) Hardly anyone can even comprehend me. And maybe I'm not that hard to understand but people can't relate it, they have no empathy. And I will quote Ani Difranco and say "i am bigger than everything that came before."

AHHHHH! I CAN FEEL IT. It's pulling on my flesh trying to push itself out of me!!!! Not many could understand my passion, my loose morals. People are too narrow. Their mind too focused on themselves to look around and imagine what it's like to be someone else, to begin to cry while you're drawing the blood of a five year old who knows she's going to die. There are three paitents who come in reguarly, all children, dying, should be dead, and I have to completely shut down just to talk to them, and do my job. I'm not trying to relate to them, they just bring up an so my empathy that I fight back the tears. Same when I see any child who is so adorible and full of life I cry, a joyful tear.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I need to paint, or do something, maybe I'll play guitar, maybe I will be able to make something beautiful, the beauty I feel.

"The beauty of the accidently." -Ashley describing her trip to Costa Rica